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I asked a friend what he would do different if he had to live his teen years over.  And at first I thought he would reply with the oft repeated though seldom meant answer, “I wouldn’t change a thing.”  But much to my surprise he actually said he would change things.  his answer to this pointless query was that he would apply himself more instead of just skating by.

A weird thing happens to  adults triggered by a combination of regret and an increase in the perception of their own mortality.  They wish that they had taken advantage of the opportunities that were so ample in their youth.  I imagine a lot of people think that if they were to relive their youth there are mistakes that they wouldn’t have made.  They imagine they might have been better athletes, taken better care of their bodies, taken their academics more seriously or what not.  From the perspective of an adult who did none of those things, the opportunity to be able to have the chance to remedy that must be like a mystical cure-all for what ails them in their current life.  But I also imagine that if you are the type to be discontent in your life and wish you could change something, then no matter how you lived (or re-lived) your life you would still feel discontent.

So, what would I change?
Pfft.  Everything, of course.

Generally, when you enter into a contract as an individual it is not to your benefit.  I never liked having to enter a contract with a mobile phone company just so I could afford a phone.  And for a long time, if you used your phone a lot, it made since to commit to a contract in order to get a good rate.  But anymore now you can find a prepaid or pay-as-you-go plan that meets most of your needs.  The only real downside now is phone selection.  You generally aren’t going to be able to get the shiny new phones with all the cool features that makes the contract companies give their indentured clients.  But I’ve never had the latest and greatest anyways.  The other downside is you have to pay for your phone up front.  There are no specials that lower the cost of your phone because you don’t sing a contract.  For the most part this isn’t a problem.  50% of the prepaid phones on the market are exceedingly inexpensive… and generally boring.

So when I was housesitting a couple weeks back I misplaced my phone.  Upon returning home I had no clue that it was lost.  I use my phone very little.  I live so rural an in the mountains that I am 4 miles past where the last cell signals travel.  And since I don’t work and am not currently in school, I don’t spend very much time in areas with service.  So it wasn’t until some time later when I left the house to do the obligatory seasonal shopping that I realized my phone was missing.  I’m fairly certain that my phone remains at my aunt & uncle’s house.  And I would have called it, but the battery would have long since died.  So I took this opportunity to finally get a prepaid phone.  My contract is finally up with AT&T, something that is bittersweet. I’ve been with them since ’03.  It feels weird not to be tied to them anymore.  But I also feel great to no longer be hemorrhaging money for services I barely use.

I bought a candybar phone.  “Candybar” is what they call flat phones with no sliders or anything.  And I went with t-mobile.  Not because they were much better than any other option, but because I wanted their phone.  I didn’t want any of the sad little phones that tracfone offered because the weren’t cute enough.  Services and apps don’t matter to me because, like I said, I don ‘t use my phone that much.  So the simple things like personal aesthetics are the only thing that matters to me.  And of course I want to keep my number.

This experience has made me feel giddy.  I love that I am free of the final contract I had binding me.  I like that I finally have a phone that is my choosing, not the most convenient/free offer from my phone company.  And of course, I love new things.

If I don’t find my old phone I’ll need to buy a new microSD card and regather all my old contacts.  Maybe one of these days I’ll actually write them down in an address book.

My Phone

my phone

it’s white/silver and lime green.  It’s not fantastic by current phone standards but I ♥ it.

I’m doing the pay-as-you-go program.  For me and the amount that I use my phone it is the most economical option.  It amounts to 10 cents/minute and the send txt messages.  5 cents to receive text messages.  There are some months where I might only use 10 minutes.  So since I’m in no way a power user, this is a good plan for me.  When I go back to school in the spring my usage will go up and when I get the fuck out of the Valley my usage will increase again.  But since I’m not bound to a contract, if I need to change my service I won’t experience any penalties.

I’ve been at a loss as to what to write about lately.  I think this is in part due to my extremely erratic sleeping schedule.  My body has been so confused that I am unable to sleep when I want to and unable to stay awake when I want to.  I also sleep fitfully and am zombie-like when I am awake.  But this is stating to settle down and in the most alarming fashion.  For the past couple days I’ve been asleep before midnight and awake before 8 am.  And I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.  Yep, that’s right.  I have a “normal” sleeping schedule.  How strange is that?  But up until my sleep schedule settled down I have been out of touch with reality.

Now that I feel more lucid I feel compelled to get back to writing about what is going on in my life for all my stalkers.  Are you ready?

Nothing.  Nothing has been going on in my life.  I’ve been sleeping and trying to sleep.  The only thing I’ve really accomplished is knitting & crocheting a few things because it seemed that every moment I was moderately awake I also had needles and yarn in my hands.  I don’t even recall making half the things I’ve made.  I think I even watched a full Korean drama.  I have to actively wok to recall it though.  and, um.  yeah.  that’s it.  Exciting, no?

Chris and I were talking.  He was giving me the update of his life in all the meaningless ways in which we measure such things.  He says he can relate to assertions that I can’t possibly be in my 30s because I feel 17.  But in his eyes were a touch of bitterness or acceptance that only haunts grown ups or children who have seen too much.  I wonder if my eyes betrayed the years in between. He laments his expanding waistline as I awkwardly fail to disguise mine.  These are pointless tasks though, as we both still see each other as we did a decade ago.  For now I’ll try to shake my horror at recalling my past and using words like “decade” to relate the passage of time.  He’s starting to get little wrinkles around his eyes.  He was always quick with a smile so that wasn’t surprising.  And the Arizona sun brought out the freckles I had nearly forgotten.  I laugh now and wonder how I could possibly forget his freckled skin and how I would torment him endlessly by trying to count them.  A task that even had we had an entire lifetime together, I would have failed at.  His freckles were my very own Milky Way.  You can try and count the stars with the best intentions.  My intentions were never curiosity, though I suppose you could call them the best intentions I could have.  To “bother” him so he would be forced to “distract” me.  This was my youth.  And I couldn’t have spent it better or endure more pain at it’s end.

He talks of his job and how he makes enough to exist in that dangerous “comfortable” zone.  He fears becoming complacent in his life even as he settles into his routines. And I think that is why we talk.  Just as he is my youth, I think I am his.  The happiness of a youth spent both frivolously and on the verge of collapse is invigorating to the 9-to-5 tennis playing inhabitant of the Yuppyville suburbs.

It’ll probably be another 5+ years before I see him again.  And I don’t know how I feel about that.  During the most profoundly life changing years of my life he was there.  And seeing him in the flesh is like being 21 again. For whatever that is worth.

So middle of nowhere, a thought pops in my head. “Melanie, why not create a zine?” Now, I’m not entirely sure where this idea spawned from, but like most creative outbursts I am not quick to stifle it. I thought this through and decided that despite the fact that there is ZERO monetary gain in a grassroots zine, the experience itself is what I was most craving.  So I’ve decided to create one and get it out into the world.  Let’s be honest, I’ll probably give it away to anyone who wants to read it and several people who probably don’t want to.  But maybe if you like it I’ll publish a second volume.  If I charge at all it would be to cover publishing fees (printing and added ‘prizes’) and the cost of mailing.

You may be wondering why I want to create a actual physical zine instead of simply an e-zine or just expand my blogging.  The answer to that is I’m de-E-volving.  We started in print, moved to emails, blogs, websites & social networks.  And now I am moving bacwards through the techno-strata to find myself at a simpler place.

I don’t have the idea fully fleshed out, having just formed it a few hours ago.  So don’t be surprised if it fizzles.

Like most women, I am on a quest to lose weight.  I suppose if I really wanted some  marked results I would work out or be in some way physically active.  But I’m still a little too lazy for that.  For now, it’s not a problem.  Simply by going vegan I have seen some weight loss.  I has been slow but consistent.  But as a result of this weightloss I am starting to realize that this might actually happen.  Losing this little bit of weight has encouraged me to commit to losing more.  I saw an actress talk about how she would download a TV show to her iPod and only allow herself to watch it while on the treadmill.  Well, I don’t have a treadmill, but I do have an exercise bike that did not make the move upstairs with me because it is so heavy.  And with the restrictions of my satellite internet I can’t exactly download tv programs as I might like to.  I do get Korean dramas in the mail again, so I could rip them to my iPod.   But reading subtitles off of a small screen while riding a bike sounds like a hassle rather than a treat.  Yes, I could actually ride my bike downstairs while watching something I like on TV, however the downstairs TV is used by my parents who do not have the same viewing preferences.  I’m not so good at the individual exercise programs.  I’m too much in the here and now when I do that.  I’m aware of the work and the annoyance factor.  But getting lost in a favorite TV show is different.  I’m contemplating taking my exercise bike apart to move it upstairs.

But weightloss itself is not a good enough motivator for me.  Yes, it is my ultimate goal, but it’s not strong enough to get me off my ass.  I have to encourage myself with material goals.  I have a veg t-shirt I’ve bought with the goal of looking good in it ( ie. not stretching it out).  I’ve also been romancing the idea of more piercings.  So I’ve decided that once I reach the goal of having well defined clavicles, I will get dermal implants.  These are not goals with concrete numbers.  I was never a numbers girl anyways.

So, I have this ex (of sorts) with whom I have many mutual friends.  Now, we live on opposite ends of the country so you’d think it would be easy to minimize exposure, but this is not true when you factor in social networking.  On myspaz it is as easy as not looking at his profile and simply ignoring his interactions with mutual friends.  Do that long enough and it ceases to bother you when he pops up in your life.

On Facebawk it was more or less the same.  That is until we suddenly had too many mutual friends.  So now instead of getting notifications occasionally when he would comment on something I already commented on, facebawk had to start inserting his activity into my feed.

Like I said, absurd.

I went to his page and blocked him and I felt so silly about it. I don’t mind that he exists in my world, but it’s annoying to have his life broadcast directly to my bedroom.